[thunder rumbling]
[rain pattering]
[José González's "Crosses"]
♪ ♪
MILES: I am fascinated by last words.
Like Oscar Wilde who said,
"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do,"
and then died.
GONZALEZ: ♪ Don't you know that ♪
♪ I'll be around to guide you ♪
♪ Through your... ♪
MILES: Or Humphrey Bogart,
whose final words were:
"I never should've switched from scotch to martinis."
GONZALEZ: ♪ Returning nightmares ♪
MILES: James Dean said,
"They've gotta see us"...
GONZALEZ: ♪ We'll cast some light ♪
MILES: Just before slamming his Porsche into another car.
♪ ♪
GONZALEZ: ♪ Cast some light ♪
♪ And you'll be all right for now ♪
MILES: My favorite last words ever,
the French poet Francois Rabelais,
who said, "I go to seek a Great Perhaps,"
because that's what I was after too.
[engine revving]
[high‐pitched ringing]
♪ ♪
GONZALEZ: ♪ Ignore them tonight, and you'll be ♪
MILES: Except I wanted to find my Great Perhaps
before I died.
[rain pattering]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
JUDY: It's not even 5:00.
I'm sure your classmates will show.
They're just running fashionably late.
‐ Yeah, Mom.
I've been keeping my popularity a secret
all these years.
♪ ♪
TV ANNOUNCER: Couples Fear Factor.
MAN: You're okay.
WOMAN: [screams]
‐ Is this why you wanna leave?
‐ No, honey, it's because of me.
Miles has heard all the stories about his father being
quite the legend at Culver Creek‐‐
‐ Well, not‐‐not exactly.
I mean, there are lots of other places
I could dream of going, but you would have said no.
‐ But why do you have to go now?
That's what college is for.
‐ I've told you why.
JUDY: 'Cause of some French poet's last words,
"The Great Perhaps"?
What does that even mean?
‐ That's what I need to find out.
[The Killers' "All These Things That I've Done"]
FLOWERS: ♪ When there's nowhere else to run ♪
♪ Is there room for one more son ♪
[printer whirs]
♪ One more son ♪
♪ If you can hold on ♪
♪ Hold on ♪
‐ [sighs]
See ya, Raisin.
If he asks, I left for school.
You are my witness.
♪ ♪
FLOWERS: ♪ I wanna stand up ♪
♪ I wanna let go ♪
♪ You know, you know ♪
♪ No, you don't, you don't ♪
♪ I wanna shine on in the hearts of man ♪
♪ I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand ♪
♪ Another head aches, another heart breaks ♪
♪ I'm so much older than I can take ♪
♪ And my affection ♪
♪ Well, it comes and goes ♪
♪ I need direction to perfection ♪
♪ No, no, no, no ♪
♪ Help me out ♪
♪ Yeah, you know you gotta help me out ♪
♪ Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down ♪
MARYA: Alaska!
Oh!
[squeaks]
[moans]
I thought my mom would never leave.
So much crying, hugging, and carrying on.
ALASKA: Tell me about it.
That's why I drive myself,
to get all the hugs and tears out of the way.
Do you wanna catch up on the road?
Coosa's cashiers have a shift change in 20,
and trust me, we want Gus manning that register.
‐ I can't just let Paul move me in on his own.
ALASKA: Sure you can, Paul.
You don't mind finishing up
while your lovely girlfriend and I go pick up
some sundry items.
‐ Only if she promises to make it up to me later.
‐ What the fuck, Paul?
She should not have to leverage her body
so you'll be a good boyfriend.
That kind of sexist bullshit is why we need
to dismantle the patriarchy.
‐ Jesus, Alaska, I said yes.
‐ It's not just your words, Paul.
It's what's in your mind and your heart.
You think about that while we're gone.
‐ What the fuck?
[engine revving]
‐ It's your Da Vinci surprise.
[The Da Vinci Code audiobook plays]
WALT: So you know when I was there,
we weren't co‐ed.
You're gonna have girls there now.
You know what STDs are?
JUDY: It stands for sexually transmitted diseases,
like gonorrhea or...
WALT: Chlamydia...
JUDY: Herpes...
WALT: Warts...
‐ It's not just like your finger wart,
but other places.
WALT: Really the best protection is
just keep your pecker in your pants, son.
JUDY: That's right.
[brakes squeak]
[seatbelt clicks]
[birds squawking]
‐ Are you cool if I have the room to myself
for a couple hours tonight?
‐ May I ask why?
MARYA: Paul and I agreed
if we stayed together long distance all summer,
then the first night back we would have...
[whispers] the sex.
‐ You don't have to if you don't want to.
‐ I want to.
‐ They grow up so fast. You coming?
‐ I'm too chickenshit.
[door squeaks]
[bell jingles]
[country music plays quietly]
♪ ♪
‐ [sighs]
This says you're 28.
‐ I can't believe it either. Time, right?
I believe it was the great Theodor Geisel who said,
"How did it get so late so soon?
"It's night before it's afternoon.
"December's here before it's June.
My goodness, how the time has flown."
[sighs]
You might know him as Dr. Seuss.
Life goes fast.
Ask me, it feels like I was just in high school.
‐ 'Cause you are in high school?
ALASKA: I wish.
My adolescence would have no doubt been greatly enhanced
by the anesthetizing effects of Coosa Liquors'
Strawberry Hill rosé.
‐ You don't sound like you're in high school.
‐ And that, Gus, is the whole point.
[bell jingles]
[upbeat music]
WALT: This is right.
JUDY: No, we're right. Almost there.
Only time for one more chapter.
♪ ♪
[bottles clink]
♪ ♪
WALT: Looks just like it did the day I left.
JUDY: It is beautiful.
WALT: And you get used to no AC.
MILES: Wait, there's no air conditioning?
‐ It's not too late to change your mind.
WALT: We got you a fan.
Sweat builds character, boy.
Oh, check it out.
The bell tower. That's the bell we stole.
It took six of us to get that sucker down
before we buried it in the cemetery.
Still the greatest prank in Culver history.
MILES: Oh, hey. I've got that, Mom.
JUDY: At least let me fold your pants.
MILES: No, I'm good.
WALT: And don't forget to call every Sunday.
‐ Well, I don't have a cell phone.
WALT: That's what the payphone's for, pal.
‐ We are gonna miss you so much.
[exhales deeply]
Can I help you make your bed?
MILES: I'm good.
I'm gonna be okay, guys.
Promise.
Hey!
After the unpacking comes the adventure, right?
JUDY: Right.
[Pinback's "Fortress"]
♪ ♪
CROW: ♪ Too long till fall ♪
♪ Sick summer in bed ♪
♪ You and a lazy mood ♪
♪ Ten times the fall ♪
♪ Spread, sacked, and I've failed ♪
♪ Nobody move, nobody move ♪
♪ ♪
[faucet creaks]
♪ Stop, it's too late ♪
♪ I'm feeling frustrated ♪
♪ I see no sign of fortress, I see no sign of fortress ♪
♪ Stop, it's too late ♪
♪ I'm feeling frustrated ♪
♪ I see no sign of fortress, I see no sign of fortress ♪
♪ Stop, it's too late ♪
♪ I'm feeling frustrated ♪
♪ I see no sign of fortress, I see no sign of fortress ♪
♪ Another delay ♪
♪ Too many hassles ♪
♪ Where do we go ♪
♪ How do we follow ♪
‐ You must be the new roommate.
I see you decorated the place.
Name's Chip. Chip Martin.
I would shake your hand,
but I think it's best if you just hang on to that towel.
‐ I'm Miles. Miles Halter.
‐ Miles, as in, "to go before I sleep"?
It's a Robert Frost poem. Ever read him?
‐ No.
‐ Consider yourself lucky. Oh, no one class me Chip.
‐ I thought you just said your name‐‐
‐ Call me the Colonel.
We'll call you Pudge.
‐ [scoffs]
THE COLONEL: Pants on, Pudge.
MILES: That's a unique way of unpacking.
THE COLONEL: Oh, let me guess.
You must be one of those guys
who can't let your socks touch your underpants.
‐ That's not true.
THE COLONEL: Oh, really?
You got ten seconds to surprise me
before I write you off as ordinary.
‐ Um...
well, I know a lot of people's last words.
‐ Example.
‐ Henrik Ibsen. He was a playwright.
‐ I know who Henrik Ibsen was.
1828 to 1906, considered the father of realism.
‐ Never read him.
But he had been sick for a while,
and his nurse said to him,
"You seem to be feeling better this morning,"
and Ibsen said, "On the contrary."
And then he died.
‐ That's morbid. I like it.
Come on, Pudge. We got shit to do.
So you're a reader, Pudge?
‐ Uh, biographies mostly... or only.
They're my dad's.
‐ My dad used to beat me with my books,
so I started carrying paperbacks around the house,
the odd novella, all short and soft.
That's why I came here.
So I can read long‐ass books without getting my ass whooped.
LONGWELL: Oh, hey, it's the Colonel.
KEVIN: What's up, scrub?
You grow this summer, bud?
HANK: What are you, four feet now?
THE COLONEL: [exhales]
Hello, Longwell, fellow shit rags.
You know, I always said there's nobody better
at cradling Kevin's balls than you.
‐ Why don't you say that to my face?
‐ I literally just did, you human frat paddle.
‐ You wanna go right here? ‐ Okay, come on, Kev.
Come on.
We both know the Colonel's not gonna put
that scholarship at risk, right?
‐ You'll have to excuse them, Pudge.
It's not their fault they had
every goddamn thing in life handed to 'em.
‐ Pudge? What kind of name is that?
‐ I think it's supposed to be ironic.
LONGWELL: I'll have you know
I worked my ass off this summer,
valeted at the country club and caddied.
‐ No golf cart either. THE COLONEL: Wow.
You know, you might be the only person who could
spend all summer in the sun and somehow end up whiter.
Is it possible to be 150% Caucasian?
‐ That's‐‐that's... that's racist.
‐ Sleep with one eye open, boys.
Come on, Pudge.
‐ Um, it's 'cause I'm skinny. Never mind.
‐ You're dead.
KEVIN: Yeah, you sleep with one eye.
‐ Are they friends of yours?
‐ Weekday Warriors,
rich assholes who leave every weekend
for their air‐conditioned Birmingham mansions.
They also the cool kids.
I don't like them. They don't like me.
So if you came here hoping to be hot shit, Pudge,
you best not be seen with me.
Come on.
‐ Miles Halter. Orlando, Florida.
Attendant of Doctor Phillips High School.
Interesting side note about Doctor Phillips High School,
named after a guy named Doctor Phillips.
Didn't have a PhD or anything, just as an adult,
changed his name to Doctor.
Welcome to Culver Creek, Miles.
‐ I call him Pudge.
‐ Ah, the Colonel and his irony.
‐ How did you know all that?
THE COLONEL: Takumi knows everything.
‐ Starting with: never let the Colonel
rope you into helping him move.
He's immune to fatigue.
His anger is a renewable energy source.
‐ And you did make a commitment.
‐ I did? ‐ Time to get to work.
[bright music]
♪ ♪
‐ [grunts]
[both panting]
‐ Oh, shit. Smile big, it's the Eagle.
‐ The what?
‐ Mr. Starnes, so nice to see you.
How was your summer?
‐ It was terrible. How are you, Mr. Martin?
‐ Great.
Just exploiting my roommate here
for some manual labor, sir.
‐ Ah, well, I expect nothing less.
Ah, you must be Mr. Halter, son of Walter.
Our paths never crossed, but when I was a student here,
he was something of a legend.
‐ So he tells me.
‐ Your dad's name is Walter Halter?
[both panting]
‐ If you are hoping to live up to his reputation,
remember, you're given a large measure of freedom here.
Abuse it and you will regret it.
You seem like a nice young man.
As the dean of Culver Creek,
I'd hate to have to bid you farewell.
[both panting]
‐ Um, thank you. THE EAGLE: You're welcome.
[bright music continues]
♪ ♪
THE COLONEL: Mr. Starnes, codename the Eagle,
former student, current dick.
When I first got here,
the Eagle was just a lowly history teacher
till our prior dean, Mr. Harris, dropped dead.
Body wasn't even cold yet, and he was already moving in.
They say it was a heart attack, but I have my suspicions.
‐ You're saying that the Eagle committed murder
to become a school administrator?
‐ You saw his face. It's the stuff of nightmares.
‐ I felt like he was staring into my soul.
‐ Next time you see that look, you busted.
Alaska calls it "the look of doom."
‐ Alaska?
‐ Our next stop, 'cause she has the cigarettes.
You got money?
‐ Um, yeah, but I‐‐I don't really smoke.
‐ Perfect, 'cause I do.
There, done.
‐ Classy and sensible.
‐ That is me, Pudge. That is me to a fucking tee.
You ever hear three knocks, it's the Eagle.
Always knock once.
ALASKA: Oh, my God!
Is that the Colonel?
Get on in here!
Ah! THE COLONEL: [laughs]
ALASKA: [laughs] THE COLONEL: Ah!
Alaska.
ALASKA: Oh, so‐‐so get this. THE COLONEL: What?
ALASKA: Okay, first day of summer,
I'm in grand ol' Vine Station, Alabama...
THE COLONEL: Exciting.
ALASKA: I'm with this guy Justin.
I'm sitting on his couch watching TV.
Mind you, I'm already dating Jake, right?
I'm still dating him, miraculously enough.
THE COLONEL: Oh.
‐ But Justin and I, we've been friends
since we were kids.
So, we're just sitting on the couch,
watching the The Office,
talking about SATs or something.
So we're just chatting.
And I'm in the middle of a sentence about analogies
when all of a sudden, he just honks my boob.
‐ No. ‐ Just like that.
Just like a much‐too‐firm two, three second honk.
Can you believe it?
And the first thing I thought was:
"Okay, how do I extricate this claw from my boob
before it leaves permanent marks?"
And the second thing I thought was:
"I cannot wait to tell Takumi and the Colonel."
‐ That's crazy. ‐ [sighs]
You can let go now.
Who's this guy not laughing at my story?
‐ My roommate, Miles "to go" Halter,
aka Pudge.
Pudge memorizes people's last words.
He also has money for your cigarettes.
Pudge, this is Alaska.
She got her boob honked this summer,
which you are now well aware.
‐ You really memorize last words?
‐ Yeah. You wanna quiz me?
‐ JFK.
‐ "That's obvious."
‐ Oh, shit. ‐ Is it now?
‐ Oh, no. Those are his last words.
Someone said, "Mr. President, you can't say
Dallas doesn't love you."
And he said, "That's obvious,"
and then he got shot.
‐ God, that's awful.
Nice meeting you, Pudge.
Next time laugh at my story.
Meet you boys in a few. THE COLONEL: Uh‐huh.
‐ You walk very quickly.
‐ Not everyone's gifted
with long‐ass chicken legs, Pudge.
I compensate.
You see that?
MILES: Wow.
Is that a swan?
‐ That swan is the spawn of Satan.
Never get closer to it than we are right now.
[swan squawks]
It will rip you to fucking pieces.
MILES: But it's so beautiful.
‐ The dangerous ones always are.
[Rilo Kiley's "With Arms Outstretched"]
♪ ♪
LEWIS: ♪ It's 16 miles ♪
♪ To the promised land ♪
♪ And I promise you ♪
♪ I'm doing the best I can ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So you better move fast ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And some days ♪
♪ They last longer than others ♪
WOMAN: Come on, go!
LEWIS: ♪ But this day ♪
♪ By the lake went too fast ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And if you want me ♪
♪ You better speak up ♪
♪ I won't wait ♪
♪ So you better ♪
♪ Move fast ♪
THE COLONEL: Her name's Alaska Young.
She's from Vine Station.
You could drive past it without noticing it,
and from what I understand, you ought to.
MILES: And she mentioned something about a boyfriend?
‐ Jesus.
You touch one boob, and you obsessed.
His name's Jake, college boy,
handsome son of a bitch.
He's a feminist.
She hasn't cheated on him yet, which is a first.
[sentimental music]
♪ ♪
Pudge, I'd like to welcome you to the Smoking Hole.
♪ ♪
‐ [exhales]
So, we're allowed to smoke down here?
THE COLONEL: Of course not.
‐ [coughing]
That was a barely‐smoked Hurricane.
That's just plain ungrateful.
‐ Oh, I just can't get in trouble.
My parents would kill me, especially my mom.
‐ You're gonna get in trouble.
Now the question is, what do you do when it happens?
I'll tell you what you can't do.
Rat.
I hate the Weekday Warriors with a fiery passion
reserved for dental work and my father,
but I would never rat on them.
If you learn anything from me today, Pudge, let it be this.
Never, never, never rat.
You got me?
Are you sure?
‐ Yeah, I got it.
‐ This school is important to people.
It may look like a summer camp patrolled by a killer swan,
but to the people who go here, it matters.
Unfortunately, we've reached the hour
where I'm obligated to see my girlfriend.
‐ Wait, you've got a girlfriend?
THE COLONEL: Don't remind me. I can't stand her.
But then again, she can't stand me.
I guess that's what I get for dating a Weekday Warrior.
‐ Didn't you just say you hated them
as much as dental work?
‐ I contain multitudes, Pudge.
[sighs]
You coming?
‐ Wasn't Alaska gonna meet us?
I feel like it might be rude if she showed up,
and we were both gone.
‐ One boob, Jesus.
It's Alaska.
Who the hell knows what she's gonna do.
[somber music]
‐ [shaky breath]
♪ ♪
MILES: [coughing]
♪ ♪
[coughs]
No.
It's still not good.
[sighs]
‐ Okay, Mr. Famous Last Words, I have one for you.
‐ [chuckles] Okay.
The General in His Labyrinth, Gabriel García Márquez.
You ever read him?
It's about Simón Bolívar.
In the book, you know what his last words are?
No, you don't, but I'm about to tell you,
Señor Parting Remarks.
"He was shaken by the overwhelming revelation
"that the headlong race between his misfortunes
"and his dreams was at that moment,
"reaching the finish line.
"'Damn it,' he sighed.
"'How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?'"
‐ Those are some seriously great last words.
‐ No shit.
‐ What do they mean?
‐ That's the mystery, isn't it?
Is the labyrinth living or dying?
And which is he trying to escape,
the world or the end of it?
‐ I don't know.
‐ And here I thought you were the one who's finally
going to deliver me the answers.
We've only just met,
and you're already disappointing me, Pudge.
‐ Have you read all the books in your room?
ALASKA: God, no, but I'm gonna read them all.
I call it my Life's Library.
Every summer since I was little,
I would go to all the garage sales,
and I'd buy all the books that looked interesting,
just so I would always have something to read.
But there's so much to do, you know?
I'll have more time for reading when I'm old and boring.
‐ Hard to imagine you'd ever be boring.
‐ You remind me a lot of the Colonel
when he first came to Culver Creek.
When we first met, we were just a couple of
scholarship kids with a shared interest in...
let's just call it booze and mischief.
‐ I'm interested in those things too.
‐ [laughs]
And something tells me
you haven't experienced a whole lot either,
which is exactly my point.
By Thanksgiving, I got him his first girlfriend,
and later that year, we pulled our first prank.
I provide the vision,
and he provides the military‐level planning.
‐ So that's how Chip became the Colonel?
‐ You're smart like him, cute too.
But I didn't just say that, because I love my boyfriend.
‐ Well, you're much smarter than both of us,
and much more attractive.
But I didn't just say that, because I love my girlfriend.
Who does not exist, because I don't have one.
‐ Well, don't worry, Pudge.
If there's one thing I can get you,
it's a girlfriend.
[tender music]
♪ ♪
Let's make a deal.
You figure out what the labyrinth is
and how to get out of it,
and I'll get you laid...
by a sexually‐liberated intellectual equal, of course.
Deal?
♪ ♪
MILES: Deal.
♪ ♪
ALASKA: When you're walking at night,
do you ever get creeped out
and even though it's silly and embarrassing,
you just wanna run home?
‐ Yeah.
Totally.
[Buddy's "Milkshake"]
♪ ♪
ALASKA: Run, Pudge!
♪ ♪
BUDDY: ♪ I know you want it ♪
♪ The thing that makes me ♪
♪ What the guys go crazy for ♪
♪ They lose their minds ♪
♪ The way I wind ♪
♪ I think it's time ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ My milkshake brings ♪
♪ All the boys to the yard ♪
♪ They're like, "It's better than yours" ♪
♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪
[three knocks on door]
‐ Shit.
WOMAN: Get out, get out! MAN: Come on.
MAN: What, what's going on?
MAN: Are you serious?
[indistinct chatter]
WOMAN: I knew something was up.
WOMAN: Hurry up, hurry up!
[dramatic music]
THE EAGLE: Go back to your rooms.
PAUL: The fuck are you looking at?
[indistinct chatter]
This is bullshit, man. THE EAGLE: Guys, come on.
Go back to your rooms. It's late.
This doesn't concern you. Let's go.
‐ I'm sorry. We didn't meant to‐‐
THE EAGLE: All right, just go back in.
Just go back inside and get dressed, all right?
PAUL: I don't get it.
I mean, you're good, but you're not that good.
Somebody ratted.
THE EAGLE: Expulsion's gonna be the least of your worries‐‐
PAUL: Who's the rat? THE EAGLE: Inside.
PAUL: Huh? I knew it was somebody!
‐ Alaska! You're not gonna believe it.
THE EAGLE: Ms. Young, please go help your roommate get packed.
Paul, let's go.
PAUL: Who ratted? I know it was somebody!
Was it you, man? THE EAGLE: Paul.
PAUL: Who ratted?
Was it you? Was it?
[indistinct chatter]
‐ Yes.
‐ First official day of classes,
we've already suffered casualties.
Here's what I know.
THE COLONEL: I told you Takumi would know.
Takumi always knows.
‐ Apparently, Paul and Marya hit
the Culver Creek rule breaking trifecta.
One, genital contact while, two, smoking pot
and, three, already drunk.
Though, Paul was attempting to use a condom,
so kudos for being sexually responsible.
‐ They are fucked.
‐ Well, they were gone before the sun came up.
‐ No way the Eagle just got lucky.
I hate to agree with Paul, but he wasn't working alone.
[indistinct chatter]
‐ Oh, sorry.
I‐‐I did not mean to take your seat.
‐ Oh, not‐‐not mine, never sat here before.
LARA: Are you new?
So am I. Um, Lara.
‐ Miles.
‐ Call him Pudge.
‐ Oh.
Did you hear about the students who were kicked out?
MILES: Marya is Alaska's roommate.
‐ Was.
‐ Oh, what happened?
THE COLONEL: I don't know.
But just to be safe, trust no one.
[door creaks open]
[door closes]
DR. HYDE: [ragged breathing]
Old man only has one lung.
MR. HYDE: [ragged breathing]
[exhales sharply]
Religion is important whether you believe it or not.
Just like history is important
whether you've lived through it or not.
In my case, I probably have.
This year, we will be studying three religious traditions:
Islam, Christianity, and Buddhism.
We'll tackle three more next year.
Gives me something to live for.
My name is Dr. Hyde.
You may be smart, but I've been smart longer.
Therefore, I will talk, and you will listen.
Our time together may be short,
but we are engaged in the most important pursuit of all:
the search for meaning.
What is the nature of being human?
What is the best way to live?
How did we come to be?
And what will become of us when are no longer?
[The Postal Service's "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight"]
GIBBARD: ♪ Smeared black ink ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Your palms are sweaty ♪
♪ And I'm barely listening ♪
♪ To last demands ♪
‐ [speaking French]
GIBBARD: ♪ What's buried underneath ♪
♪ Where I am ♪
♪ ♪
TEACHER: [speaks French]
♪ ♪
GIBBARD: ♪ You seem so out of context ♪
♪ In this gaudy apartment complex ♪
♪ A stranger with your door key ♪
♪ Explaining that I'm just visiting ♪
♪ And I am finally seeing ♪
♪ Why I was the one worth leaving ♪
♪ ♪
[crackling and sizzling]
‐ Maureen, you are a genius.
‐ Don't I know it. Every day, living the dream.
MILES: What exactly is this?
‐ A fried burrito, aka "bufriedo."
Invented by aforementioned culinary genius Maureen,
named by Alaska.
You know, you can say a lot of bad things about Alabama,
but you cannot say that the Alabamans as a people
are unduly afraid of deep fryers.
Don't eat that zucchini.
‐ Oh, my God.
This is the greatest thing I've ever tasted.
That tastes so good.
TAKUMI: Nothing like seeing a man eat his first bufriedo.
‐ Oh, you get any more intel?
‐ I did, but, uh, I think it's best
if we talked privately.
‐ You guys don't trust me?
‐ We don't really know you,
and chances can't be taken with this information.
[indistinct chatter]
KEVIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You do not wanna put that poison
in your body, homeslice.
‐ But it's so delicious.
‐ Kev, come on.
Everyone needs to try a friend burrito once in their life.
‐ Once?
Why would I only have this once?
KEVIN: [laughs]
‐ It's all good, Miles.
No, we're just offering some friendly advice,
'cause you look like you could use some friends.
‐ You guys wanna be friends?
‐ We don't want you falling in with the wrong crowd.
‐ Yeah, you're cooler than those other losers.
‐ Really? ‐ Yeah.
I mean, from Florida. ‐ That's cool.
‐ Even Orlando?
LONGWELL: Well, look you wouldn't have left
if you didn't have some ambition.
[speaking Mandarin]
You know what that means? ‐ No.
‐ No, that's right, because you don't speak Mandarin,
global language of tomorrow, but I do.
‐ That's what we do here, Miles, plan for the future.
‐ A person in your position could be very helpful to us,
letting us know what the Colonel's thinking
and when he's thinking it.
‐ Oh, so...so you want me to be a rat?
‐ No, we're just asking you to do a solid for your friends.
"A journey of thousand miles begins with one step."
That's the translation of what I said to you.
I meant it.
Walk with us, son.
KEVIN: We're seniors, Miles.
I mean, we gotta leave this school to someone,
and that could be you.
‐ I mean, I could just stay out of it.
You know, why pick a side? I could be like Switzerland.
I've heard that place is really, really nice.
KEVIN: Not possible, bro.
‐ Here, everyone chooses a side.
THE COLONEL: Come on, man.
Why isn't this water coming out?
I can't wear this bullshit.
Thank, God. Pudge, it's an emergency.
I have dinner with Sara's parents.
Please tell me you know how to iron.
‐ I didn't even know we had an iron.
‐ We don't.
It's Takumi's, not that he knows how to iron either.
When I asked Alaska, she started yelling,
"You're not gonna impose
the patriarchal paradigm on me."
‐ The what?
‐ Alaska, among her many qualities,
is a third wave feminist.
‐ They have waves?
‐ Uh, Pudge, maybe you should try and read
some biographies of women.
God damn.
I need to smoke,
but I can't reek of smoke when I see Sara's parents.
They smell like sandalwood and money.
One thing my lousy father taught me
was how to tie a tie.
Which is odd, 'cause I can't imagine
when he'd ever have to wear one.
Too bad this tie is so goddamn ugly.
‐ I bought you that tie, you asshole.
It was a birthday present.
‐ And one I will never forget.
MILES: You must be Sara.
Nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you.
‐ Yeah, I can imagine.
Can't you at least press your goddamn shirt?
‐ I freaking tried, okay?
We can't all have our maids doing our ironing for us.
‐ Wow, Chip, that chip on your shoulder
makes you look even shorter.
‐ What difference does it make, Sara?
I could be wearing a tuxedo with a little top hat,
and your parents would still hate me.
‐ Right, because you antagonize them as you do all humans
who walk the earth.
Hey, you know what.
Um, I'm so sorry that this is your roommate.
You deserve a lot better.
‐ He ain't the only one. ‐ Cute.
Look, we either go now or we're not going.
‐ Fuck it. ‐ Fine.
‐ Whatever. ‐ Asshole.
‐ [groans]
‐ So, that's Sara.
She seems...sweet.
‐ Yeah.
Neither one of us had a lot of positive role models
when it comes to adult relationships.
[grunts]
‐ Are you drinking sour milk?
‐ It ain't milk‐‐ well, not just.
It's five parts milk, one part vodka.
I call it ambrosia, drink of the gods.
You can barely smell the alcohol,
so the Eagle can never catch me unless he took a sip.
Only downside is,
is it tastes like sour milk and alcohol.
But what the hell, Pudge?
Gotta dull the pain somehow.
You wanna try some? ‐ Oh, no, I'm good.
[phone ringing]
‐ You gonna go get that?
[phone ringing]
‐ Hello? SARA: Can you get Chip for me?
‐ Sara, yeah, hold on. ‐ Yeah?
SARA: Can we go now?
‐ Yes.
I'm a bad boyfriend. She's a bad girlfriend.
We deserve each other.
Don't wait up.
[fan rattling]
[door clicks open]
[loud thud]
‐ [moans]
LONGWELL: Let's go! KEVIN: Now, Halter!
‐ Ouch! Okay.
KEVIN: Now!
LONGWELL: Don't make us kick your ass!
MILES: Okay, okay.
Can I put some pants on first?
HANK: That won't be necessary.
KEVIN: Move!
[The White Stripes' "Blue Orchid"]
WHITE: ♪ You got a reaction ♪
MILES: Whoa! KEVIN: Go!
MILES: Oh, I get it.
You're gonna handcuff me to the flagpole.
Very funny.
HANK: You wish, turd. Come on.
WHITE: ♪ Something better than nothing ♪
HANK: Come on. Go.
KEVIN: Move. LONGWELL: Speed it up, guys.
‐ Oh, a good ol' fashioned dunking.
Yeah, that sounds really refreshing.
LONGWELL: Shut up, arms at your sides.
‐ Wait, why do I need to do that?
Isn't that gonna make it hard for me to swim?
LONGWELL: You had your chance to be on our side.
‐ I told you, I'm on nobody's side.
KEVIN: That means you're with the Colonel.
HANK: And this is for him.
MILES: No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.
Wait‐‐
LONGWELL: For what he did to one of us.
‐ [grunts] LONGWELL: Legs.
‐ Wait. You guys, please!
Please, guys, don't!
No!
Wait, "Please, guys, don't" are terrible last words.
LONGWELL: Three!
[Miles moaning]
[all panting]
[Miles moaning]
[grunting]
[gasping]
[splashing]
[panting]
[splashing]
[swan squawking]
[The White Stripes' "Blue Orchid" continues]
Oh, shit!
WHITE: ♪ You're given a flower ♪
♪ But I guess that there's just no pleasing you ♪
[swan squawking] MILES: Ah!
WHITE: ♪ You got a reaction, didn't you? ♪
[swan squawking]
[Miles grunting]
WHITE: ♪ You took a white orchid ♪
♪ Turned it blue ♪
[swan squawking]
MILES: [panting]
[swan squawks]
[leaves crunching]
[Miles panting]
[tender music]
♪ ♪
‐ You okay? ‐ [gasps softly]
Better than you.
Someone go for a swim?
‐ Uh, it was less than a swim,
more of a drowning... the Weekday Warriors‐‐
ALASKA: Yeah, well, you better be tough now, Pudge.
Mommy's not here to help anymore.
Not for any of us.
[faucet squeaking]
[metal creaking]
‐ Where the hell you been?
Oh.
You got tossed in the lake.
Culver Creek tradition.
MILES: Attempted homicide
is Culver Creek tradition?
‐ Don't be dramatic.
It happens to all the new kids.
They toss you in, you swim out
and try not to wake your roommate.
‐ I couldn't just swim out.
‐ Shit, you can't swim, Pudge?
‐ Not without my arms and legs.
They wrapped my whole body up.
‐ What?
What do you mean? How?
‐ They plastic‐wrapped my entire body.
‐ Jesus, you had to swim out like a mermaid?
‐ Merman, but yeah.
‐ Shit.
You could've drowned.
They just supposed to toss you in
in your underwear and run.
‐ They said it was because of you.
‐ They said that?
Shit.
Takumi was right.
‐ Right about what?
Maybe you could tell me what the hell is going on.
Or I could just go talk to the Eagle.
THE COLONEL: No. No way, Pudge.
You are not a rat,
and that is not how things get dealt with here.
‐ Well, I've had it with how things happen here.
And‐‐and what's wrong with Alaska?
She was really mean to me.
‐ Yeah, well, she's moody, dude.
I'm sorry, Pudge, about everything.
Turn off the lights.
God damn it!
Those bastards.
Before they grabbed you last night,
they pissed in my shoes.
‐ Are you sure?
THE COLONEL: Do you want to smell it?
Because if there's one thing I know,
it's the smell of warm piss in my new shoes!
It's like my mom always said.
"You think you're walking on water,
when it turns out you got piss in your shoes."
Do you have a pair of flip‐flops
or anything I could borrow?
TAKUMI: Hey, Pudge.
Heard what they did to you last night.
Alaska's pissed.
‐ Didn't seem like it.
‐ Look, Pudge.
You're collateral damage in a larger battle.
One that's been going on since the beginning of time.
‐ Or since we were freshmen.
‐ It's us versus the Weekday Warriors.
Usually it's just fun and games,
but not after last night.
Things have changed.
‐ What changed?
‐ They think the Colonel is the rat.
THE COLONEL: I can't believe it.
I mean, I hated that dick weasel,
but I would never rat on him.
‐ If they think the Colonel's the rat,
then they're dumber than they look.
THE COLONEL: Thank you.
Probably one of those puka‐shelled Backstreet Boys
ratted and said it was me.
‐ Which is why we need to figure out
how to ruin their shitty little lives.
‐ After class, we start drawing up plans for a counterattack.
ALASKA: Looks like we're going to war.
THE COLONEL: I promise you, Pudge,
they will regret messing with one of our friends.
‐ Trust.
ALASKA: Hey.
Last night, I didn't realize how bad it was.
I'm sorry.
‐ It's okay.
‐ Do we still have our deal?
‐ Yeah.
[Bloc Party's "So Here We Are"]
♪ ♪
[coin rattles]
[keys beeping]
[phone line ringing]
JUDY: Miles? Miles, what's wrong?
‐ [chuckles] Why does something have to be wrong?
JUDY: It's not Sunday‐‐ I thought
you were gonna call on Sundays.
WALT: Is that Miles? What's wrong?
‐ Nothing is wrong.
JUDY: He says nothing.
WALT: It's not Sunday.
KELE: ♪ I caught a glimpse ♪
♪ ♪
MILES: I was‐‐I was just calling to say thank you.
♪ ♪
For letting me go.
For sending me here.
JUDY: He's calling to say how much happier he is
without his parents.
WALT: Oh, good.
‐ That's not what I'm saying.
JUDY: I know, honey.
I just hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Your Great Perhaps.
‐ Um, I‐I think I have.
KELE: ♪ If you pass out ♪
MILES: I think I have.
KELE: ♪ Out ♪
♪ ♪
[rain spattering]
♪ Home ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Home ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I figured it out ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I figured it out ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I figured it out ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I figured it out ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I can see again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I can see again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I can see again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I can see again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I can see again ♪
[uplifting music]
♪ ♪